


What’s a god to a non-believer who don’t believe in anything?

by voices_in_my_head



Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU where Erik lives, rare pairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 19:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14118867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: "The man – Erik – was standing in the middle of the room, wearing just some loose t-shirt and sweatpants. He had his hair up in some type of ponytail and he looked not just deeply unimpressed by Bucky’s presence, but also like he was a step away from throwing him out of the window.With the way people tended to walk around eggshells around him, Bucky didn’t mind the impulse."





	What’s a god to a non-believer who don’t believe in anything?

**Author's Note:**

> Because I couldn't not think of this after watching "Black Panther" and so here we are. Enjoy :)

Shuri brought Bucky back to the palace to start testing for a new arm. Several times she had to stop what she was doing because her hands were shaking too much.

“We don’t have to do this right now,” Bucky said in a low tone, not because he was trying to calm her down but because nowadays it was the only tone the used.

Shuri glared at him, “I promised you the most amazing arm ever and I intent to deliver, White Wolf.”

Bucky nodded and Shuri did seem slightly calmer afterwards, but one time she accidentally went against a counter and something fell and she jumped.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bucky asked. He wasn’t good with conversations nowadays, but Shuri had been there for him over the last few weeks and if she needed someone to hear her out, he was willing to be that person.

Shuri shook her head. Then she sighed, “just… Have you ever met someone and hated them so much but at the same time you can see what made them that way?”

Bucky wasn’t sure he had, couldn’t think of anyone at the top of his head, but he still nodded.

Shuri clenched her jaw, “he killed T’Challa. And then T’Challa brought him to me, asked him to save his life and I did, but…”

“Do you wish you hadn’t?” Bucky asked, trying to convey in his tone only acceptance. He wasn’t going to judge her either way; he’d fell of that high horse a long time ago.

“Yes,” Shuri immediately said. Then she sighed and all fight seemed to leave her. “No. I don’t know. I wish… I wish it hadn’t been my choice, you know? And I guess in a way it wasn’t because Erik told T’Challa to let him die but T’Challa…”

“Not the way he was wired, is it?” Bucky completed when Shuri’s pause went on for a few seconds.

Shuri laughed, but it was nothing like the happy ones Bucky had gotten used to hear. He almost got up from where he was sitting on top of a table to go hug her but he didn’t know if she’d appreciate and it had been a long time since he’d hugged someone. It wasn’t so much that he’d forgotten how to do it, more like he wasn’t sure how to do it without tensing and expecting a stabbing in the back. Literally.

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Not the way you were wired either,” Bucky said and when Shuri glanced at him, he just shrugged, “I might have only met you a couple weeks ago, but I know that much.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” Shuri said and after that it was business as usual.

Shuri told him what she was doing at every step of the way. Partly, Bucky thought she liked the audience but mostly he thought she was doing it for him. He didn’t understand half the words she said, but he appreciated the effort.

HYDRA had never explained what they were doing to him.

This… this was different.

“Where is he?” When Shuri sent Bucky a confused look, he clarified, “Erik.”

Immediately, Shuri tensed. She didn’t answer right away, like she was weighting the pros and cons of keeping the secret. Bucky waited her out. He wasn’t sure why he’d asked, it had just been a spur of the moment type of thing, but he would accept whichever decision Shuri came to.

“He’s on one of the top floors. Only people with authorization can go in… I’ll put it in your kimoyo beads.”

Bucky raised both eyebrows. He hadn’t really expected her to go that far.

“You don’t have to.”

Shuri shrugged, “and you don’t have to go talk to him. But if you want to… I won’t take your choice away, Bucky.”

Bucky sent her a small smile and was silent after that.

The arm wasn’t finalized that afternoon. He hadn’t expected it to and while Shuri offered him a room in the palace he was more than happy to get back to his hut by the river people.

It would take him a few hours walking but Bucky was more than apt to seeing in the dark so before he left he slowly took the steps up to Erik’s room.

Cell? Bucky hadn’t seen the Wakandan prison, but surely they had one.

When he was standing outside the correct door pointed by the kimoyo bead, he knocked. Cell or not he didn’t want to just barge in.

It took a few seconds for a reply to be heard.

“Come in.”

Bucky slowly pushed the door open, walking inside with footsteps that could barely be heard. As a sniper, Bucky had trained to not be heard unless he wanted to. Now he used those skills to not call any type of attention to him.

There was only one person inside and if this was a jail cell, it was unlike any Bucky had ever seen. It looked more like the penthouse of some five stars hotel in a big capital somewhere.

The man – Erik – was standing in the middle of the room, wearing just some loose t-shirt and sweatpants. He had his hair up in some type of ponytail and he looked not just deeply unimpressed by Bucky’s presence, but also like he was a step away from throwing him out of the window.

With the way people tended to walk around eggshells around him, Bucky didn’t mind the impulse.

“And you are?”

“Bucky,” Bucky answered, having been practicing for weeks saying the words aloud. Not Sergeant Barnes, not the Winter Soldier, not “I don’t know”. Just Bucky.

“You some type of shrink?” Erik asked, sounding even angrier and Bucky was genuinely surprised how there wasn’t some type of exterior physical manifestation of it.

“No,” Bucky replied. He should have probably thought this through.

“American?”

Bucky nodded and Erik scoffed, turning away to the big windows that allowed him to see the Wakandan paradise that surrounded them. Watch, but not touch.

Bucky could understand T’Challa’s thought behind it. He could also see why Erik seemed so pissed off.

“What, they thought that we’d have some type of similar experience to bond over? You a vet, right? Lost the arm in Middle East?”

Erik hadn’t turn from the window so Bucky didn’t stop the quick smile that graced his features as he answered, “something like that. But T’Challa didn’t put me up to this. Nor anyone else.”

Erik turned back. “Then why you here? Gonna tell me to be graceful I ain’t dead? White boy that’s been… what, saved by the Wakandans? You must be pretty special to be allowed in here.”

Bucky didn’t answer right away, thinking over his words carefully.

The reason he had come was because… he understood that Shuri had a hard time dealing with Erik, same thing with T’Challa and pretty much everyone else around the palace. They had history with him.

Bucky didn’t and truth was, while he had kept away from Steve since he’d taken him out of the water, just the thought that there was at least one person in the middle of millions that saw him as more than a weapon… Some days, it had meant everything.

It seemed like the silence had gone on for too long for Erik’s liking because he turned his back on Bucky once more. This time there was something final in it.

Erik didn’t talk, just kept staring. Or maybe he had his eyes closed. From his position, Bucky couldn’t tell. Either way he knew when he wasn’t wanted – wasn’t that a joke – and so he turned around without a word and left.

For the couple of hours that he walked to his hut he kept thinking about Erik. About what Shuri had told him about him, which hadn’t been much.

She’d come to collect Bucky a few days after Erik had first shown up and thrown T’Challa from a precipice. Bucky had fought T’Challa and he knew that was no easy feat. Of course, he had kept those comments to himself.

Shuri told him Erik was their cousin, that their father had murdered his own brother because he had turned traitor though she didn’t specify his crime and that their father had left Erik in America to be raised by strangers. It was clear she had mixed feelings about it. Bucky had just been silent as she vented as necessary.

Erik had tried to kill T’Challa, who had in turn saved him, and now he was… Even Shuri didn’t know. What was the point in saving him just to have him killed a few days later? But he was dangerous and couldn’t just be left to wander Wakanda.

Bucky hadn’t given one opinion one way or another and Shuri hadn’t asked. If she had, Bucky had no idea what he would have said.

It was a family matter that affected many more than just their family. What Bucky did know was that he’d seen enough death for several lifetimes and if he could help in any small way to prevent more… Bucky’s blood on his ledger could fit a whole sea.

.

Bucky met with Shuri the next day. The arm was coming along.

“I’ve seen a picture of the arm you lost and if you tell me to switch the red star for the American flag I will give you a glittery arm,” Shuri threatened after some seconds in silence.

Bucky hadn’t even thought of that but he was quick to reassure her, “I’m done with any symbol, thanks.”

Shuri nodded approvingly. “Good. But, about the color…”

“Any is fine,” Bucky was quick to point out. Some days he wasn’t even sure if he should get an arm back. This one would be a hundred times better than the old one… More dangerous too. Shuri and her doctors had taken the words away, but Bucky couldn’t be one hundred per cent sure that there wasn’t some trigger waiting just for the right moment to come out and bring hell.

Shuri stuck her tongue out. “Why are you so boring?”

“Shuri, are you antagonizing our guest again?” T’Challa’s voice sounded from the doorway, making both of them turn their heads to him.

Today only Okoye was accompanying him though Bucky was sure there were at least two other members of the Dora Milaje waiting outside.

T’Challa smiled at Bucky as he came closer, but looked reprovingly at his sister when he turned to her.

“And this is the face of Wakandan democracy.”

Shuri’s response was to stick her tongue out at him too.

Bucky didn’t get in between them. He remembered having a sister and how much she irritated him… And how much he missed her, every day, when he remembered he would never see her laugh again.

“Please forgive my sister. Despite her genius, she can still be… quite childish.”

Bucky shrugged, “I don’t mind.”

T’Challa sighed as Shuri said, “ah ah! See?”

“You’re encouraging her,” T’Challa said and while he didn’t sound as reprovingly with Bucky as he had with Shuri, the tone was still there. Must come in handy when doing his kingly duty.

Bucky shrugged again. He didn’t mind whatever facet Shuri decided to show him. He enjoyed them all.

“How is the arm coming along?” T’Challa asked after a few more moments of bickering between the siblings.

Shuri launched into a scientific explanation that once again went over Bucky’s head. He could never understand exactly how much T’Challa really understood and how much he was just nodding along as if he did. Again, good quality to have as a king.

Bucky moved his attention to Okoye, who was looking at T’Challa and Shuri with a smile on her lips, but turned her attention to Bucky when she felt his stare.

The smile didn’t exactly disappear, but there was some tension there. Bucky knew she had been there when Zemo had attacked the UN and again in Romania. She had been nothing but polite since Bucky had been brought to Wakanda by T’Challa but that was about it.

Bucky didn’t fault her professionalism. He just couldn’t quite figure out if it really was that or if there was something else.

As T’Challa and Shuri kept talking, Okoye seemed to come to a decision and walked closer to Bucky.

“You went to visit Killmonger,” it wasn’t a question and it wasn’t said in a whisper, but in a voice that wasn’t meant to carry, nonetheless.

Bucky just nodded.

“Why?” He saw her tighten her hold on her spear and once again wondered if it was in preparation for combat with him or just memories of Erik.

Bucky didn’t reply right away and Okoye gave him his time in silence.

“I don’t know,” he finally settled on, slowly forming the words, still trying to think them through. “I just…” Bucky frowned. He came close to saying, “wanted to help” but that didn’t sound right.

What could he do that Erik’s family couldn’t?

Okoye nodded anyway, like she had gathered some important information out of Bucky’s measly words. He just hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass.

“T’Challa says the arm should look like your skin color but I say that’s boring. What do you think?” Shuri asked, clearly bringing him back to reality.

Bucky blinked a few times, “is that an option?”

Okoye turned away with a hand by her mouth, as if hiding a smile, as Shuri started disparaging against him.

“Is that an option, he asks. Honestly, brother, where did you find this white boy. He doesn’t even think that I can make a pink arm. I am deeply insulted.”

“Sorry,” Bucky said but like T’Challa, he didn’t fight the smile on his face, though his was smaller and there for less time.

Shuri just rolled her eyes. “Yes, you can have a new arm that looks just like your other one. Well, not exactly, of course, though if that’s what you want…”

“No,” Bucky immediately said, seeing where she was going with the conversation and needing two right arms about as much as he needed a knife in the back.

“Your choice,” Shuri shrugged. “So, you want something boring or you want something spectacular?”

Bucky didn’t exactly see things that way but he still thought it through. He genuinely had never thought that having an arm that looked normal was an option.

He hadn’t particularly liked the metal arm, but he couldn’t say he had hated it… It had been strong and had sent a clear message.

Bucky wasn’t sure he was ready to be seen as mostly armless by strangers.

“Can I think about it?” He asked and Shuri smiled.

“Of course. But I tell you, there are no limits to the imagination in Wakanda. You want a blue arm? No problem. Rainbow? Coming right on.”

“A rainbow arm, sister, really?” T’Challa commented and there they went again.

This time, Bucky and Okoye shared a smile over their antics.

.

T’Challa didn’t mention Erik and Bucky didn’t know if that was due to Shuri’s presence or if Okoye was serving as messenger but he decided that if he hadn’t been outright told to stay away, then surely it was okay to visit him again.

Though whether the visited would enjoy his presence was a whole other thing.

Once again, Bucky knocked on the door and waited for a “come in” before entering.

It took a few more seconds this time but Bucky had no idea if Erik had been busy, thinking through whether he wanted company or not or just making a power play.

Either way, Bucky went in.

“Oh, it’s you again,” Erik said, rolling his eyes. This time, he was sitting in a sofa for three people on the right of the room. Bucky walked a few steps towards him, not sitting down without being invited to.

Erik didn’t really seem in a mood to be polite so Bucky just stood there, feeling self-conscious, partly because this just felt awkward, standing when someone else was sitting, and partly because to stand for so long he had to make a conscious decision to keep himself in balance, to not let his lack of an arm throw him off.

“What are you here for, this time?” Erik asked, picking up a grape from a bowl in a table close by. He didn’t offer those either.

He was quite rude for a prince, Bucky thought and came close to saying it out loud but he sincerely doubted his joke would be received with anything but an attempt to throw him out of the window.

Bucky shrugged. He still hadn’t thought this through. He just knew that now that he had met Erik once… he didn’t want to stay away that easily.

Erik rolled his eyes again, “you’re not very talkative, are you?”

“Not really,” Bucky replied.

“That why you here? Want someone to blabber away ‘cuz you’re bored? I got news for you, I might be stuck here but I still have Netflix.”

Bucky had the vaguest idea of what Netflix was from hearing strangers talking about it, but he decided it was better not to comment on that part of what Erik had said.

Instead, he replied with, “I’m not bored.”

There was a pause. Erik raised an eyebrow and ate a couple more grapes.

“Shuri is building me a new arm,” Bucky offered, not really sure why but knowing that contrary to pretty much everyone in Wakanda, Erik felt no obligation to feed the silence with words in an attempt to make him comfortable.

“So that’s why you here? Damn, you must be loaded.”

“Not really,” Bucky said because he had opened his bank account a few months before deployment and had no idea if any money was still there. He had just survived on whatever easy jobs he could find in his travel, usually construction.

“How you here, then?” Erik leaned forward, widening his stance. “Wakanda hates strangers and yet here you are, walking around like you own shit.”

“I don’t own anything,” Bucky said and that sounded sadder and more accurate than he meant it to.

“You a charity case, then?”

Bucky didn’t answer that one right away. In a way, he guessed that was the case. T’Challa had offered him something which he wasn’t paying for. But he knew that T’Challa’s motives went beyond charity. Part of him felt guilty, Bucky knew, but mostly he had the chance to help and had offered it, no strings attached. Bucky admired him for it.

“Can I sit? This feels awkward,” Bucky said because it did and it was.

Erik didn’t answer right away and Bucky knew this play, the staring without barely a blink, trying to make his opponent sweat.

Well, Bucky had spent decades frozen only to be awoken to carry out assassinations. It took a lot more than a stare to get him to sweat.

“Sure, why not,” Erik finally settled on and Bucky nodded his thanks, going to sit in the sofa right in front of Erik. There was another one, between those two but Bucky felt it was too close.

Erik kept eating his grapes and Bucky stared at him.

“You know, part of me thinks you’re a bit dumb but the other part… I’ve learnt not to assume stuff like that. It’s the ones you least expect that’ll get you killed in the end.”

Bucky didn’t reply. He knew his silence was seen very often as him just not having anything smart to offer the conversation. In truth, he had simply gotten used to being ignored around conversations.

“You really suck at this, eh?”

“This?” Bucky asked for clarification.

“Conversation… Interrogation. Like I said, you definitely a vet and you’re American. So maybe T’Challa thinks we’ll bond or some shit like that.”

“Like I said yesterday, T’Challa didn’t ask me to be here.”

“Yeah? And why should I believe you?” Erik was staring at him with fire in his eyes. He looked ready to jump across the table and squeeze Bucky’s neck at the smallest movement.

“I guess there’s no reason,” Bucky answered because there really wasn’t.

“You know, I’m guessing you’re seen as some type of exotic specimen around here. The only white person. That what you want from me? Stare at the other man out?”

“No,” Bucky replied and finally gave him something of a reason. “Shuri told me about you and I got curious.”

“You know, that I can understand. But I also know that only people with authorization can get in here. You on first name basis with the princess, she making you a new arm and now you can just waltz in here.”

Erik paused but he didn’t seem finished, so Bucky waited him out in silence.

Erik got up and rolled his shoulders back. He moved his neck left, then right. Afterwards he looked Bucky straight in the eyes.

“I ain’t here for no one’s entertainment.”

Bucky could see this was about to escalate. He didn’t even think this was fully on him. It was clear that Erik had been itching for a fight for days and Bucky seemed like easy prey. Maybe it was the lack of arm that had stopped him the previous day though Erik didn’t seem to Bucky a man that thought less of another person because of a lack of a member.

“I used to be,” Bucky said and Erik blinked confusedly, though he didn’t relax his stance. “Not in Wakanda, but I used to be entertainment. Cannon fodder. A weapon. Whatever you want to call it.”

Erik continued to stare and so Bucky finished, “they used to call me the Winter Soldier.”

There was a pause and then Erik gave him a once over, reevaluating him. The look he sent him was deeply unimpressed.

“You’re the Winter Soldier? Man, we used to tell horror stories about you when there was nothing else to do. The ghost story that no one wanted to believe ‘cuz it was just too damn frightening. But if you were real… We all wanted to be the one to end you.”

Erik sent him a disgusted look. Bucky was kind of surprised he didn’t just spit on him, like he clearly wanted to.

“Now you wouldn’t even be worth the bullet.”

“Why?” Bucky asked, genuinely curious. “Because you don’t think I’d be worth the fight or because I’m not what you expected?”

Erik’s words didn’t hurt him. If anything, Bucky was kind of glad that the man he looked now nowadays was so far from the image others had of the Winter Soldier.

“Because you’re here. And I finally get why. T’Challa tried to kill you ‘cuz he thought you killed his father, right? But turns out it was some other white boy so he felt guilty and brought you here and you just…” Erik waved a hand at him. “Came. Like a stray dog looking for a shed of kindness, even with someone who tried to kill you. That’s pretty pathetic, if you asked me.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Bucky got up and Erik moved his legs apart, creating a wider stance in case Bucky attacked and he needed to stay on his feet. But Bucky just kept talking, “kindness isn’t pathetic. You should allow your family to show you that.”

Then, he turned around and walked towards the door.

Erik didn’t say anything as he left even though Bucky was sure there was plenty of words running through his head.

After closing the door, Bucky stood outside a few more seconds. He left after he heard something hit the window, or maybe the wall. He was pretty sure it had been the empty bowl.

.

It took two days before Bucky was back in the palace. Shuri hadn’t requested his presence the previous day and while Bucky knew he wouldn’t have been shunned, he had decided to stay the day away, give himself some time to think and Erik to calm down.

Of course, nothing was forcing him to continue to meet him just because he was in the palace but Bucky felt that he was currently on a path that would take something or someone else to get him away. It wasn’t necessarily a bad feeling.

 All the schematics for the arm were done. All it was missing was to be built and for that Bucky had to decide on a color.

“Surprise me,” Bucky finally settled on because he still had divided feelings over having an arm that looked normal and he trusted Shuri.

Shuri raised an eyebrow and T’Challa sighed, “you’ve made a terrible mistake.”

Shuri hit her brother on the stomach and smiled confidently at Bucky, “I am going to give you the most beautiful arm you have ever seen.” Then she rolled her eyes, “of course, it won’t be hard to do compared to the monstrosity you were carrying around before.”

“You will stay here tonight and by this time tomorrow you will have a new arm,” Shuri promised and Bucky nodded. He liked sleeping in his hut but now that the thought had been planted in his mind, he just wanted it done as soon as possible.

Bucky knew that Shuri would make sure the procedure was as painless as possible, yet he still had some broken memories of HYDRA giving him a new arm and he felt like if it wasn’t done as soon as possible, he’d lose his courage.

The meeting was short and Bucky left with T’Challa, who usually left earlier to go do whatever the king of the most technologically advanced nation did.

“You have been meeting with my cousin,” T’Challa offered and Bucky nodded, even though it hadn’t been a question.

They were silent after that. Bucky didn’t feel like it was his role to continue the conversation so he waited for T’Challa to do it but when nothing else came forth after several moments, Bucky couldn’t help but to look questionably at him.

“You expect me to ask you why?” Bucky nodded again. “Okoye has already posed the question and she shared your conversation with me. If there’s anything new you want to add…”

T’Challa made a meaningful pause and gave Bucky several moments in silence to think it through. Bucky came pretty close to just shrugging it off, but he could see that while there was anger in T’Challa regarding his cousin, unlike Shuri, he also seemed to want something more.

“Knowing that Steve was looking for me… That he thought there was still someone worth saving… That meant a lot,” Bucky said, looking at T’Challa as they walked, who stopped when Bucky paused, making him stop as well. Bucky stared at T’Challa for some seconds. “Me and him… we don’t have history and I know he’s done some bad stuff but so have I.”

“Not in the same way,” T’Challa said, but not in a patronizing tone, like Steve, bless his heart, would have.

“Maybe not. But I’m not really in a position to judge, am I?”

T’Challa didn’t answer. Instead, he clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “I am happy that he has someone by his side. Especially if he doesn’t see it that way.”

Bucky couldn’t help the small and quick smile that flashed at that.

T’Challa resumed his walking and so did Bucky. After a few more steps T’Challa said goodbye and went right, down some steps for a meeting, while Bucky kept walking forward, towards Erik’s room.

Some minutes afterwards, standing outside it, Bucky knocked.

“Come in,” the reply came almost promptly and while Erik didn’t sound any more excited than he usually did, Bucky took it as a good sign that he was still willing to have visitors.

“’Wasn’t sure I’d see you again,” Erik said once Bucky went in.

Erik was sitting in the middle of the floor, meditation style. Bucky didn’t bother to ask if he could sit on the floor, just did it.

He landed heavily on it, dropping onto it more than slowly lowering himself.

Erik snorted, “aren’t you supposed to be the quietest assassin in the world?”

Bucky shrugged, “I retired.”

Erik raised an eyebrow, “people like us don’t retire.”

Bucky didn’t reply right away. Erik seemed relaxed, though how much that was a front, Bucky had no way of telling. By this point Erik had been in this room for over a week. Bucky didn’t know if he was allowed out, but even if he was, it must be with an escort and maybe even a mechanism by Shuri to prevent him from hurting anyone.

In the end, Bucky just let the topic die out. He knew he was retired from HYDRA business, but killing? It was only a matter of time before his skills were needed again and while part of Bucky just wanted to run and hide and let the fight pass him by, he knew he never would.

“You know, I have one question. How the fuck do you look this good, man? I mean, there’s been rumors about you for the past five decades… Some people thought there were more of you, that there was no way one man had pulled all those assassinations off but I could tell. Always the same MO. You can teach people and they can copy you but… We always have a style,” Erik gave a smug smile at that.

Bucky decided to leave out the fact that there had in fact been other Winter Soldiers. As far as he knew, only a handful of people around the world were aware of the fact and he thought it’d be in everyone’s best interest to keep it that way.

“I was kept in cryo-freeze between missions,” Bucky offered and Erik blinked a few times.

Then he laughed, “shit man, that is not an option none of us came up with.”

Bucky shrugged, because what else was there to say?

“Uh, does your age count, then? Can you be a hundred years if you spent most of them in the ice?”

Bucky hadn’t given it much thought. “I don’t know.”

Erik rolled his eyes, “damn dude, no wonder they kept you in the ice if this is your best conversation.”

Bucky didn’t tense at his rudeness, just kept staring. Erik did it right back to him.

“You know,” Erik started slowly, “I still can’t figure out what made Captain America’s best friend betray his home country like that.”

“I didn’t. Not willingly. I fell of a train, HYDRA caught me, gave me their version of Herksine’s serum and then brainwashed me into doing what they wanted.”

“Uh,” was Erik’s initial response. He had each hand lying on his knees, relaxed. Bucky moved his eyes down as he saw movement by the corner of his eye. Erik had started drumming up a rhythm with his right hand.

“So you never had a choice. Fair enough. But that really leads the question: why you here? ‘Cuz you know I ain’t like you, right? I chose every single kill and you know what?” Erik stopped the drumming and waited to have Bucky’s eyes back on his face to continue. “I enjoyed most of it.”

Bucky blinked. He honestly didn’t know how to reply. He still couldn’t find it in himself to judge Erik. Maybe there was something wrong with him. He knew everyone else around him would, if not judge, then at least be angry. Steve would start on one of his many speeches, that he seemed to have memorized just for situations like these.

“I remember every kill,” Bucky started and he was still staring at Erik, but he wasn’t paying him his full attention. Maybe he wasn’t here just for Erik, after all. “Every scream, every plead… I didn’t have a choice and I didn’t enjoy it but in the end, I’ve killed hundreds of people,” there was a pause. “How different can we be?”

Erik leaned forward, “most people would say there’s all the difference in the world. But I feel you, man. I joined Annapolis ‘cuz I needed to get stronger. But you should have seen the guys I met… Some wanted to be heroes, some wanted to kill all the brown people and some were just plain psychos. Either way, everyone had an excuse to make themselves feel better. I never needed one and I ain’t gonna be yours.”

Bucky nodded because that was fair enough. He knew what it felt like when someone put what seemed to be their whole world on his shoulders. It was pretty heavy and most days made it quite difficult to walk around.

They kept staring at each other in silence for some more moments. Suddenly, Erik closed his eyes and didn’t open them again. He started slowly his breathing, moving his body a bit back and forward.

Bucky repeated the breathing, though his came even slower and he’d never been a moving person when doing meditation, so he just went rock still.

By the time he heard Erik get up and opened his eyes to leave, the sun was almost down.

He left without a word.

.

Shuri had decided on a dark grey with gold pleating. Bucky couldn’t help but to stop as his hand slowly approached it.

Probably thinking the pause was a bad sign, Shuri’s look of pride fell. “Do you not like it? You said to surprise you… But I can change it!”

“No!” Bucky said, probably in the most emphatic tone he’d used ever since she’d gotten him out of the cryo. “I love it,” he said, in a softer tone and Shuri’s smile was blinding.

She jumped the few steps in between them and then hugged him. It was a bit awkward because she’d gone for his side, so Bucky moved slightly to get them in a more comfortable position.

Hugs didn’t come often to Bucky. Feeling Shuri’s strength in her arms as they surrounded him and her hair touching his cheek, he thought that was a mistake he should try to remedy.

“Come on, then, time to put it on!” Shuri grabbed onto his hand and forced him to sit down on a nearby counter.

Shuri had told him weeks ago that she wished nothing more than to be able to start the whole process over again, to destroy everything HYDRA had done to his body, because they’d done a butchered job of it, but unfortunately, they had messed with his nerves too much. The most she could do was improve on what was there.

“I’m going to give you a sedative. I developed it for W’Kabi’s rhinos. If you feel any pain, do not hesitate to tell me.”

Shuri put two fingers underneath his chin, forcing his head up and for Bucky to look her in the eyes.

“Promise me you will not suffer for no reason.”

“I promise,” Bucky said, more for Shuri’s benefit than for his own. He didn’t enjoy pain, but he’d gotten used to it.

Once he told her he had no feeling around the pecs area, Shuri got to work.

Bucky had thought it would make him uncomfortable to look. He usually found a way to keep the bump hidden, but instead he found himself fascinated by what she was doing.

He had absolutely no idea what was happening but slowly, Shuri connected the new arm to his shoulder area, although he guessed there was probably another word for the area, since the shoulder was missing as well.

It took a couple hours but Shuri never paused and Bucky never asked for more anesthesia. By the end, he was starting to get some feeling back, but not enough that he was in serious pain. Slightly uncomfortable but he couldn’t be bothered to stop Shuri for something so small.

“There you go!” Shuri said, and although she sounded as enthusiastic as usual, there was a soft smile in her face. “Come on, move it!”

Bucky slowly brought his arm up. It did it with no problem, but it felt different from the previous one. Far lighter. Lighter than his normal one, even. It wasn’t really something that you thought about until suddenly you were forced to deal with it. Bucky would have to keep working on his balance.

Shuri gave him several directions which he did.

“Make a fist. Catch. High-five. Come on, don’t give me that look. I know you know what it is. And now,” Shuri stood up straight, “live long and prosper.”

Bucky blinked at her fingers.

“It’s a Wakanda greeting,” Shuri said.

“It’s from an American TV show of the sixties,” T’Challa said from the doorway, walking down towards them.

“You’re no fun,” Shuri pouted.

To make her feel better, Bucky still tried his best to copy the fingers apart gesture. It took him a couple tries but he got it in the end.

“The arm suits you,” T’Challa said and Bucky smiled, looking down at it before turning his attention back to T’Challa.

“Yeah. Shuri did a great job. Thank you,” he said, directing his words at her. And then to T’Challa, “and to you. I don’t know how I can ever-“

“Stop,” T’Challa commanded, putting a hand up, palm towards Bucky though he smiled as he continued in a softer tone, “there is nothing to repay. It is a gift. Accept it as such.”

“Okay, there’s one more very important test. Come on, up, up!” Shuri urged him and Bucky did as told, following her to where there was a mannequin with a necklace of claws.

Shuri touched them and suddenly the mannequin was one of the black panther suits.

“Punch it.”

Bucky gave her a dubious look.

“Come on.”

Bucky sighed but did as told, though he didn’t use all his strength. The suit still moved several steps back, but at least it didn’t fall.

“Ok, now do it again,” Shuri said and Bucky turned to her, recognizing her tone by this point.

“It’s kept the energy of my punch and it’s going to send me across the room, right?”

Shuri pouted, “you’re no fun.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

Shuri laughed at that and turned to T’Challa, “even the white boy knew better. I have some footage that you are going to love, Bucky.” Shuri pretty much sung the last sentence.

“You told me you erased it!” T’Challa said in an annoyed tone, though Bucky could see the amusement dancing in his eyes.

Behind him, Okoye didn’t bother to hide her smile.

“I made no such promises. In fact, I was thinking of remixing it. Make you famous worldwide.”

Bucky smiled as T’Challa replied and let their bickering serve as background noise as he kept moving his new arm around.

“Tomorrow we will spar,” Okoye’s voice brought him back to reality, sounding far closer than she had been some moments before. She smiled when Bucky looked at her, “I’ll give you today to get used to it. Tomorrow there will be no excuses.”

Bucky smiled in answer, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Okoye’s answering smile was a bit more threatening, this time. It just made Bucky smile harder.

.

Bucky almost went back to his hut, but decided to visit Erik again. It was habit now and it didn’t feel right to visit the palace without visiting him.

He should probably spend more time thinking on the why that was, but decided to leave it to another time.

After he knocked and was let in, Erik’s first reaction to his new arm was to whistle and go, “damn, someone got an upgrade.”

Bucky couldn’t help but to smile, thinking of Shuri. “Yes.”

Erik got up from where he’d been sitting at one of the sofas and walked towards Bucky. Once they were almost close enough to touch, he slowed down and walked in a circle around him. Bucky didn’t bother to crane his neck to follow his movements, just waited him out.

“It’s pretty, I’ll give you that. But will it do the job right?”

Erik was standing right in front of him and Bucky could see he was itching for a fight. Bucky knew that Okoye was right, that he wasn’t fully used to it and he wasn’t the sort of person to be overly competitive, to not be able to just walk away from a challenge.

At the same time, the way Erik was looking at him… It was electrifying.

Bucky just nodded and Erik smiled, taking that up for the acceptance it was.

Erik immediately jumped into a fighting stance, barely giving Bucky time to copy him before he was going for a punch.

The second Bucky stopped it, there was another one coming, followed by a kick and then Bucky couldn’t think anymore, or he would get hurt.

Erik was fast and he didn’t hold back.

Bucky started by focusing more on his defense than offense, partly because he still didn’t know his arm’s strengths, partly to study Erik’s movements.

He was good, better than most, but he had tells just like everyone else, movements that he repeated and once Bucky got the pattern, it was his turn to attack and he took no prisoners.

Bucky punched Erik in quick succession, one to the face, one to the abs and one to the arm. The last Erik didn’t defend in time and as he paused for that millisecond pause of pain Bucky kicked his legs away.

However, Erik’s pause was shorter than most and he used the movement to bring Bucky down with him.

On the floor, Erik gained the upper hand. Interestingly, he turned more into a boxer than the martial arts he’d been going for before. It got dirty and Bucky was forced to attack more than he was used to, to make sure the fight didn’t end too easily.

Suddenly, he was on his back and Erik was staring at him. Bucky was thinking of how to flip their positions when he felt lips touching his.

He couldn’t help the breath of intake he took.

It had been a long, long time since he’d been kissed.

It felt… nice. He didn’t get a chance to reciprocate before Erik pulled back.

He looked exactly as he had when he’d urged Bucky for a fight. No apology, just raw emotion and Bucky found himself wanting to take part of that for himself.

He pushed up with both elbows on the ground until they were kissing again.

It was rough. Rougher than any kiss Bucky could remember having. Erik bit and it was like they were still fighting, just in a different way.

And here was the thing. This type of fight? Bucky had never had it. He’d slept with men and women back before the war – and some during – and he’d always made sure they enjoyed themselves and that meant more often than not, carefulness. Not touching them like they were glass, no, but making sure everyone was having a good time at all times, that they weren’t overwhelmed.

So he couldn’t help himself but to try and slow things down, using more tongue than teeth.

Erik went along for two seconds before he pulled back.

They stared at each other for some seconds.

“I ain’t no one’s penance,” Erik said and got up. He went to what Bucky assumed was the bedroom through a door on the left.

Bucky didn’t try to stop or follow him. Instead, he dropped down to the ground, just lying there for several moments.

He couldn’t help but to bring his fingers to touch his lips. Then he forced himself up and back to his hut.

.

Bucky stayed away from the palace for the next two days. It had taken the children a couple hours to get used to him having two arms, but once they had, their curiosity was endless. Although Bucky couldn’t understand most of their questions, he understood well enough their requests of catching, throwing, and playing around with them.

It occupied his mind for several hours, even though in the back of his mind there was always another subject demanding attention.

Bucky could, of course, simply ignore Erik forever. After all, there was a big chance they’d never have to interact of their own free will ever again. Bucky doubted Erik would spend his life inside that room – whether or not T’Challa willed it – but even with him out of it, there was no reason for their paths to cross.

Bucky didn’t really give that thought too much attention, though. There was an unresolved issue between them and Bucky had enough of those in his life to want to fix those that could be fixed.

So, after two days away, Bucky went back to the palace. He visited Shuri first, even though he thought she knew far much than he wanted her to. Still, it would be disrespectful to go to her home and not even say hello, especially after she’d given him a new arm.

“How has it been so far?” Shuri asked with a smile after she saw.

Bucky rolled that shoulder and smiled back, “feels like I was born with it.”

Shuri’s smile increased at that. “That is good to hear.”

There was a pause. Bucky wasn’t sure if it was her gathering her thoughts or if he was expected to say something, but since he didn’t know what, he decided to wait her out.

“You know, just because your arm is fixed, it does not mean you have to stay away.”

Now Bucky felt ashamed. He lowered his head, looking at the floor, though only for a second. He wouldn’t insult Shuri by not looking her in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, I just…” He frowned, not really sure where to go to next.

“I know,” Bucky’s frown deepened, though he glanced back up. Shuri raised an eyebrow, “and by that, I do mean I know. There are cameras all over the palace… especially around Erik.”

Bucky blinked. Then he felt a blush creeping on his cheeks. He wasn’t ashamed of what had happened between them, just the fact that Shuri saw it.

“I thought I’d turn away soon enough but…” She shrugged and Bucky nodded. “But Erik stopped it” didn’t have to be said out loud.

Bucky kind of wanted to turn around and leave. Possibly never come back. Instead, he went and sat at his usual counter. Shuri pulled the chair from under her desk and rolled it until it was in front of Bucky, sitting down on it.

Shuri just stared at him. Bucky wasn’t even unnerved. It took a lot more to get under his skin. However, the thought that he had disappointed her did hurt him.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“What for?” Shuri asked, and while it wasn’t expressionless, Bucky couldn’t really tell what she was thinking. Once again, it hurt knowing it was on purpose.

“I know what he has done.”

“You weren’t there,” Bucky flinched and Shuri was quick to put a hand on top of her knee. This time, she didn’t hide the look of sympathy in her eyes. “I don’t mean it as a bad thing, Bucky. I mean that you have not felt the things he has done and that’s… that’s okay. Whether I agreed with T’Challa’s decision to save Erik’s life or not… He is here now and…” Shuri sighed, and with her free hand grabbed a lock of her hair and twirled it.

“I can understand where he’s coming from. The world may not know about us, but we know about them and…” Shuri looked away. Bucky did not force the words from her mouth, instead putting his hand, the metal one, on top of hers and squeezing.

They stayed like that, in silence, for some minutes.

“The point I was trying to make, however, is that… You are free to know Erik… In whatever way you want to. Just be safe. And I do mean literally.”

Bucky rolled his eyes as Shuri laughed at him. Possibly because the blush was back. Thank God Steve wasn’t here or he’d never let him live this down.

“Also, Okoye was not happy when you didn’t show up for your fight.”

“Oh shit,” Bucky said. He’d completely forgotten that.

“Quite. So, which one would you rather deal with: Erik or Okoye?”

Bucky didn’t have to think hard on it, “Erik.”

Shuri laughed, getting up and rolling her chair back to its place. “Not as dumb as you look, white boy.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again.

“Go on, then. Shoo,” Shuri actually made the shooing gesture. “Some of us have work to do.”

“Sir, yes, sir,” Bucky said and left the lab.

And if he was careful to make sure he didn’t cross path with any of the Dora Milaje… well, that was for him to know and him alone. And Shuri, who apparently really did see more than he was comfortable with.

Bucky knocked on Eric’s door. It took thirty-one seconds and one more knocking before Erik said, “come in.”

Bucky couldn’t help the deep breath he took before opening the door and going in.

Erik was leaning against the window.

“You’re back,” Erik said and his poker face was about as good as Shuri’s but he wasn’t doing much to hide the anger in his clenched jaw.

Bucky nodded, all words fleeing his mind, even though he had been trying to come up with some for the past two days.

Erik glared and Bucky came pretty close to just turning around and walking away. Maybe that whole “never talk to him ever again” plan wasn’t so bad.

“I didn’t kiss you because I pity you,” Bucky said instead. Erik’s glare didn’t really disappear, but his did unclench his jaw. “I didn’t do it because I want to… save you or whatever you think.”

Bucky drew a deep breath, not looking away from Erik’s eyes, “I did it because I wanted to. For me.”

Erik blinked. Then he shrugged, “okay.”

“Okay?” Bucky asked, just to make sure.

“Okay,” Erik repeated and then took off his shirt. Bucky had absolutely no idea what was going on except Erik was walking purposely to him and grabbing onto his shirt and Bucky moved his feet slightly, getting ready to be thrown to the ground, but instead he was being kissed.

Okay then.

Bucky kissed back and it felt… great. Amazing.

Bucky didn’t want to die, okay? He’d considered it a few times after the Winter Soldier persona – could one be considered a persona when his biggest personality trait was not having one? – had started disappearing but he’d never gone through with it because he didn’t really want to die.

But some days… Most days, really, he didn’t generally want to be alive.

Here, kissing Erik, feeling his fire… He was happy to be alive and experience this.

So he put his all into and gave one little prayer asking God to make sure Shuri deleted the footage… without seeing it first.

Bucky finally got to see Erik’s bedroom. Or well, glimpses of it, since he didn’t pay much attention as Erik walked him backwards, pulling their t-shirts off as they walked and it was a testament to their training when they didn’t slip, even as they were pulling off their shoes.

Erik’s scars were a strange feeling beneath Bucky’s hands, though not unwelcome. Erik certainly didn’t seem to mind, moaning when Bucky used a bit too much strength and of course the guy had a bit of a pain kink. Bucky wasn’t even surprised.

Turned out, Bucky kind of had a thing for Erik’s teeth on his neck, so who was he to judge?

Bucky lost himself to the feelings. Erik’s tongue, Erik’s fingers, Erik’s cock… He moaned and held tight and refused to let any thought of the outside world in.

If Erik wasn’t doing the same, he was at least enjoying himself.

He wasn’t gentle, but he wasn’t aggressive either, waiting for Bucky to be comfortable before moving, waiting for him to ask for more before going harder, though that might be because he was a smug bastard.

Bucky didn’t really mind; right now he had reasons to be smug.

Afterwards, Bucky laid spent, blinking up at the ceiling.

“T’Challa is going public with Wakanda’s resources,” Erik said after several moments of silence, Bucky wondering if he should get up and leave or not.

Bucky turned to his right, leaning on his elbow so that he was kind of looking down on Erik, who was staring up at the ceiling. It felt like a too intimate movement; Bucky remembered doing this before, back in the 30’s.

He couldn’t decide if it was bad or not, but he did force himself not to touch Erik.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Bucky asked after another pause.

Erik didn’t answer right away. When he did, he turned to stare at Bucky. “I wanted a revolution. I wanted bloodshed. I wanted… revenge. For centuries of slavery and carnage and being treated like fucking animals, paraded in circus and museums.”

Erik sounded angry, but not like he was close to losing control. It was an anger that ran deep, that he had learnt to control, to hide… Sometimes, anyway.

Bucky didn’t know how to reply. There were things he understood, there were others he just… didn’t. And he knew whatever words he gave Erik would just sound like platitudes and get his ass kicked. Deservedly, probably.

“Why didn’t you go after HYDRA?” Erik suddenly asked, still staring at Bucky.

Bucky wasn’t surprised by the question. He didn’t even have to think of the answer; it had been a conscious decision, after all. But deciding to open up to Erik… He knew he would be giving him power.

He also decided he was ready to give a leap of faith.

“I was afraid.”

“You’re the Winter Soldier?” Erik turned it into a question.

Bucky shook his head, even though it was kind of awkward, since he was still leaning on his elbow. So he sat up and looked down at Erik, who didn’t move.

“I’m not. I have the skills, the memories but… The Winter Soldier was something else.”

“Not someone?”

Bucky shrugged, this time thinking through the words. Even he hadn’t quite figured out how to explain what being the Winter Soldier had been like.

“They didn’t treat me as human. So I didn’t think of myself as one. It was… I had orders and I did them. I ate because I needed the proteins to do my job, I slept because it was necessary not to pass up in the middle of the mission.

“There was… nothing else. Some missions I was only out of the ice for a few hours. But some took days. They left me in a room with no books, no TV, no anything and I just stayed there for hours. Usually I just counted in a couple languages. Sometimes I imagined the way the mission was going to go. But that was it. No memories. No ideas. No-“

“Personality,” Erik finished and Bucky nodded.

“So what were you afraid of?”

“Going back and getting caught. I would rather die than go back to that.”

Erik stared at him for a few more seconds, then back to the ceiling. “I told T’Challa that. I’d rather die than live in a cage, no matter how luxurious.”

He sat up and looked Bucky in the eyes, “he’s asked me to be part of Wakanda’s security. T’Challa isn’t telling the world about vibranium but there will still be too many eyes turned here. Most won’t be kind.”

“You’d be its protector.”

Erik made a face between a grimace and a smirk. Bucky thought even he wasn’t sure which one to settle on.

“You have your arm. Why are you still here?” Erik asked, once again changing the subject. Bucky didn’t mind. Erik had either made up his mind or he hadn’t. Either way, it wasn’t anything that Bucky had to say that would change that.

Bucky shrugged, “I’m waiting.”

“For what?” Erik shrugged.

“Whatever’s coming next. Aliens came eight years ago. It’s only a matter of time before another threat comes.”

“You know, you fight, you can still be captured.”

“I know,” Bucky said and he did, but… “Worse than that would be to watch my friends die and always wonder if I could have done something to stop it.”

Erik nodded.

They went silent again. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but Bucky felt that to call it comfortable would be a stretch.

Erik got up. He went around picking up his clothes. Bucky followed his movement from the bed, decided that for now he was quite relaxed sitting in the soft mattress.

Erik didn’t stare back as he left the room. Bucky decided he was quite all right with taking a nap in the middle of the day and leaving Erik to do whatever he did with his days.

 


End file.
